<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>dream on (but don't imagine they'll all come true) by orphan_account</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29719086">dream on (but don't imagine they'll all come true)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Non-Binary Character, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Kinda, Kinda?, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Other, Out of Character, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, They/Them Pronouns for Hange Zoë, Unhappy Ending, author is projecting, kind of?, kinda a vent fic, man i dunno what this even is, near incoherent rambling, this is disgustingly personal, title from a billy joel song</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:53:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29719086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'Perhaps it made the facade of a nonchalant air easier to carry. Easier to pretend the way that they lay their head in his lap was due to a physical closeness to everyone, despite the lacking evidence that they touched anyone else so tenderly. Easier to pretend that he allowed them to sprawl across him because everyone needs physical affection sometimes.'<br/>-<br/>or, hanji navigates selfishness, guilt, and affection through the summers leading up to their death.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>dream on (but don't imagine they'll all come true)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is disgustingly personal and shit so please do not judge the way i am very obviously projecting onto certain aspects of this :/<br/>anyway the manga made me Feel Things and i had to write something</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Summers in Marley were a different type of hell. Due to the practically unlivable terrain, the weather went to insufferable extremes on either end of the spectrum. Frigid winters spent cowering inside barracks were a normal occurrence on an annual scale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Summers, though, were worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While the soldiers had furnaces and fleece blankets and conserved body warmth to make it through the colder seasons, the late summer brought an unimaginably incurable heat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Temperatures often rose to nearly 120 degrees fahrenheit in the days, and the nights only brought it down to a slightly more bearable atmosphere, most evenings not even getting lower than 100.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The government wouldn't allow them breaks from service even in the heat, at least not in the survey corps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And so, the regiment would head back to their barracks after a day of labor, sunburnt and drenched in sweat, only to remember that the air inside the buildings was </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse </span>
  </em>
  <span>than outside, holding an almost soupy quality.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So they’d shower and lay in the shade of trees, miserable until they had to head inside to sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Showering wasn’t the solace many new recruits hoped it would be, due to the water laying stagnant in the rusty pipes for hours, which ended up feeling only a few degrees cooler than the surrounding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yet still, it was better than nothing and provided some amount of relief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Summers were especially hellish for Hanji Zoe. With the scorching humidity of the air around them already making it hard to breathe, a bound chest made the equation nearly impossible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not to mention the steady stream of sweat trickling between their shoulder blades, and the overall condensation of sweat the binding accumulated throughout the miserable day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had been told dozens of times to just take the garment off, but that certainly wasn’t something they’d do in front of everybody.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They began to take long nightly strolls in the summer. Alone, in their sleepwear, away from the putrid air that could only come from dozens of bodies practically melting into their mattresses. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The weather wasn’t nice at night. It was far from it. But at least, it wasn’t as insufferable as the daytime. At least, they weren’t practically suffocating as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was something oddly therapeutic to laying on the ground, somewhere in the almost-wilderness, in shorts and a tank top.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had practically become a tradition, after starting the year they joined the scouts, and continuing every year since.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Usually, they were alone. Sometimes Moblit would check up on them, or Erwin would lecture them to go back inside, but aside from those small anomalies they were usually alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That is, until the summer they became commander. It was all incredibly stressful. They had lost almost everyone, and Jaeger was beginning to slip mentally. That put everyone in possible danger, and it was their responsibility.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Often, these evenings were spent contemplating everything, and brainstorming solutions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One such night, they lay in a field of tall grass, eyes closed and nearly drifting off. It was blessedly slightly breezy that night, and they basked in the warm air blowing across their face and splaying their damp hair across the ground beneath them, the bottom tufts gently brushing their collarbone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hanji was good at knowing footsteps. So when the crunching of leaves neared, they were already well aware of the person headed their way. Light footsteps, with a firm subconscious attempt at authority.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They exhale happily. “Levi, hey.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He only hums in response, standing several feet away from their head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t fall asleep out here.” he tells them, and then leaves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They fall asleep out there just to spite him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It becomes a constant in their life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Summer nights were spent with Levi outside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first, he would only stop by for a few moments, just checking in or telling them something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then they invited him to stay once, and it became a routine. After dinner and everyone went to bed, they’d leave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wander around the almost-wilderness. Sometimes talking, sometimes silent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sit together and breathe, enjoy the warm breeze of midnight. Head back to the barracks. Say goodnight. Repeat the next evening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They aren’t sure when the time spent wandering together became more than out of convenience or boredom. Perhaps, it always was. Perhaps their willingness to let him stay due to not really caring either way was always a see-through excuse. Perhaps his restlessness could have been cured in a more efficient way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They never discussed it. Never discussed much of such hard to swallow topics. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even under the stars, speaking softly to each other about things they would not dare to admit in daylight, there were still off-limits topics.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps it made the facade of a nonchalant air easier to carry. Easier to pretend the way that they lay their head in his lap was due to a physical closeness to everyone, despite the lacking evidence that they touched anyone else so tenderly. Easier to pretend that he allowed them to sprawl across him because everyone needs physical affection sometimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is love, no matter how Hanji tries to ignore it. The sensation snuck up on them, they never even saw it coming. But it’s undeniable, and as they sit beneath the night sky and the warm air envelops their skin, they cling to the smaller man, and wonder how blind they had to be that they didn’t realize what was happening until they were in over their head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re leaving without me for </span>
  <em>
    <span>two months</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” they complain, draping their arms dramatically around his shoulders.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rolls his eyes, “you have things to do here, dumbass.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Being commander sucks,” they sigh, burying their face into his shoulder. “I’ll be expecting you to tell me all about the mission when you get back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both know what they really mean. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be expecting you to come back.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will.” he says, quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel useless staying back. I wish I could be there.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>to protect you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> They don’t say it out loud, because it would be admitting that a selfish desire almost overtakes their sense of duty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The mission will go fine, Hanji.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll be fine.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Two months,” they whine, preferring to retreat to the safety of a less unsure conversation, “I can’t believe I’ll have to do this shit alone for two goddamn months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Careful Zoe,” he jokes, “keep talking like that and I’ll think you’ll miss me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” they grin into his collarbone, “gotta keep you feeling guilty, maybe you’ll come back sooner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll miss you too, angel.” he speaks so, so quietly. But he reaches up and combs through their hair with his fingers, and they hum contentedly, and he doesn’t regret his words, no matter how harmful they could be in the long run.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They patch his wounds up as best they can. They don’t know if he’ll even wake up. But they sew his face together with an unsteady hand before falling over a few feet away and vomiting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's not too different from the nights that Levi would fall asleep  in the forest, and Hanji would smile and hum and gently hold his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Except this time it's not as warm, and they can’t wake him by gently shaking him. And they grasp his hands, but this time it's not out of adoration in the peaceful moment, it’s with fear, trying to reassure themself that there is still a faint pulse beneath his ashy skin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Levi has lost part of his hand, and his face is covered in bandages. But, he wakes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hanji wishes that they could stay in that forest forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The moments spent just like this were easy and calm, with no guilt and no sense of duty overriding every other sense, they were no longer soldiers but mere humans, and they wished it could stay that way forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They speak of running away to Levi for the first time. They’re a mess, they thought they had almost lost him. For the first time, such a selfish desire almost overpowered their commitment to humanity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But they didn’t give in, they followed through with their duty, right until the end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But as everything gets blindingly and blisteringly hot, and they feel themself losing consciousness, they are reminded of the feverish heat of the summer. And they wonder how things would have turned out if they had just stayed there, in the forest with Levi.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i will die if anyone i know finds this fic because it is Very Obvious who this is about, if u recognize the way they interact just smile and nod yall and pretend this is very much not written with inspiration from my almost-not-quite-boyfriend and the way hes only soft around me</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>